I Was Thinking The Other Day ( About Rene 3.0 )

I don’t know about any other women of a certain age, but one of the things on my mind these days is “Who am I for the next 30 years?” What is my next chapter? Who is Rene 3.0? For me, this was brought about by two disparate forces. First, reaching a certain age…an age where my chosen industry doesn’t really want me anymore and then the second one—which came quickly on the heels of the first—the death of my husband, which is both the more powerful force and one that drives inevitability—it is a force for change whether you want it or not.

This force of inevitable change comes with a weird amalgamation of fear of the unknown, need, curiosity, and excitement. I’ve spent hours since his death staring out the window just feeling the feels, letting all of them roll and roll and roll through me..if anyone was watching they would see hours of silence and stillness broken up by laughing, crying and swear words, sometimes mumbled and sometimes shouted. In those moments when the fog cleared, I realized that one the feeling journeys I would keep coming back to, that I’ve found myself crying and cursing and writing about the most was this:

Anger that you left me. Anger that you left me just when it was getting hard for me. Anger that you left me just when I needed you most. (Fuck you, Randy VanWarmer) As I dug deeper, the base of these feelings was the reality that as the breadwinner for 30-years I saw that while I tried to balance my own dreams with financial security for the family, I wasn’t as thoughtful about me and my career, erring more often than not towards the need for security. And now…now I don’t have anyone but myself to support. I don’t have to have top tier health insurance, I don’t need to think about how my choices impact someone else. Yes, I can eat avacado and chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yes, I can sing yacht rock at the top of my lungs for hours on end. Yes, I can unclog the toilet and take out the garbage. And YES, I can be thoughtful about who I am, who I will become, what I will do, what I can do, what dreams I can follow…It leaves me with the breath-stealing anxiety of fear and excitement and it sits in my upper chest, like happy bubbles that are ever growing, always popping.

So here I am. Not rushing towards the known. Not rushing towards security. Not putting the family unit over me. But rather, taking the time to write my Life Brief (Thank You, Bonnie Wan). Taking the time to get input from women I admire. Working with people who both challenge me and who want to celebrate and support the authentic, the transparent, the vulnerable, the crazy ME. All working towards one big idea, towards Rene 3.0.

Stay tuned.